6 essential tips to keep your family sane.

“The key ingredient in family communication is listening — really listening.” — Zig Ziglar.

Homelife can be crazy at times. Miscommunication can cause misunderstandings resulting in arguments and fallouts. This is a pattern which can lead to a child growing up feeling isolated and withdrawn.

What creates a breakdown in communication, and how can we prevent it? How to improve relationships, boost happiness and keep everyone sane?

Do you and your partner spend enough together with the kids? Are differences of opinion developing as your children get older? Do they seem remote or detached? If these words sound familiar, then don’t worry! You may feel you’re watching a deteriorating situation, but with a few subtle changes, you can fix it!

Consider these tips and try to apply them to bring about positive change. It takes steely intentions to create a sane, nourishing family environment.

1. Family time is golden.

When couples become families, time becomes precious. To counter the many ills this fosters, create time for family bonding.

You might ask, “How might this improve communication?” Devoted family time together helps everyone feel more comfortable with each other. This sends a positive message that you’re willing to give time to your children.

Family time offers opportunities for everyone to talk and catch-up. Simple conversations are the foundation of more in-depth discussions. Create a shared atmosphere by having bonding moments. This also bonds your children with each other.

The simplest way to begin is to set a fixed time for meals together. If this is a challenge each day, then choose a suitable moment — Friday night or Sunday lunch.

2. One-to-one-dates.

No no, Hear this out first! Spending one-to-one time with your children (or partner!) gives them the perception that you are available. When you’re in such an intimate space, your child will feel he or she can talk to you. If that’s a challenge at home, you can soften that with a visit to a neutral place. Encourage open-ended conversation that stimulates them to think and talk more. Oh yes — don’t forget to have fun!

3. Listening is hard. Do it better.

“Most people never listen” — Ernest Hemingway.

When a child or spouse asks if you have time to talk, take advantage of the opportunity. Show them that you are willing. Turn off the television, set aside your phone or laptop. Remove distractions and avoid interruptions.

Coming to you may be a big or small step so learn to appreciate when they start a new conversation. Listening is a valuable skill which requires practice and focus. Teach yourself to mirror — to use a phrase or word you heard to show that you are paying attention. Learn to paraphrase — say what you heard back, (this is super-useful when there’s a disagreement!)

To avoid miscommunication, check if you understood. Be patient and don’t interrupt when ‘the heat is on’. Listen, big and small; you may learn something you didn’t know.

4. Stay calm: disarm. Take time to react.

It is healthy to avoid being reactive. If your child misbehaved; did something that you didn’t like, or if an argument is starting to boil up, take a break. Calm down. When anyone is too emotional, we can use words that we later regret. When you’re ready, talk again.

5. Be careful what you wish for. Don’t use labels.

Everyone should learn to stop labelling. Did you ever think how labelling gives permission? You call a little kid a “lie-teller” once too often, and he or she might believe it.

Learn to never say stuff like, “You’re naughty” or “You never listen”. For a child, each moment is a lesson, and with repetition gets closer to a lesson learned. Do you want your child to feel that he or she has permission to ignore, make things up or fall short of understanding? We hope not.

If there’s a difference of opinion, listen, rephrase and say what upset you. Specify the good behaviour that you expect and remind your child that they capable of that. When you do this, you avoid making a mistake define the child.

6. If something still bothers you, address it.

“When there’s an elephant in the room, introduce him.” — Randy Pausch

Okay, so if you got this far and then you spend time together, you listen well but have fun together. You stay calm when things aren’t going how you’d like, and you don’t point fingers or call names. You’re almost superhuman!

And yet still human. So when something bothers you, learn to address it.

Avoid not telling or explaining a perceived problem to your child or spouse. More protracted silences will end up causing a more significant misunderstanding. As much as possible, say what you feel. They may not immediately agree (that’s okay!), but at least they know what’s bugging you. They can reflect on your words and feelings, and you will feel heard.

Improving communication at home might take effort. Sure, it’ll take practice, but it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. If you try to follow the above steps, life should get saner for everyone.

Sanity has big ears.